


Voltron: Legendary Dumbasses

by StorytellerSecrets



Series: Chat Fics That Literally No One Asked For [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Acxa & Keith (Voltron) are Siblings, Allura (Voltron) is a Good Friend, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Aromantic Asexual Lotor (Voltron), Aromantic Asexual Pidge | Katie Holt, BFFs, Baking, Best Friends, Bets & Wagers, Bike Rides, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gen, Group Chat Fic, Haunted Houses, How Do I Tag, Human Shay (Voltron), Hunay Is So Pure, Hunk & Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Hunk & Lance (Voltron) Friendship, Hunk & Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Hunk (Voltron) is a Good Friend, Hunk (Voltron) is so Pure, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Just Friends, Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Lance (Voltron) Has ADHD, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, LoTR references (in reference to Lotor), Lotor And Allura Are Related, Lotor and Allura are cousins, Lotor's generals are getting trashed 24/7, M/M, Memes, Multi, Other, Pansexual Matt Holt, Pansexual Shiro (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Rivalry, Sassy Pidge | Katie Holt, Self-Indulgent, Shay (Voltron) Can't Cook, Shay (Voltron) Is A Good Friend, The Great British Baking Show, Trans Male Shiro (Voltron), Tumblr Memes, Vines, apology brownies, chat fic, dares, even though I love them, fuck how do i tag, guys idk this fic is a disaster, im sorry, king falls am references, lotors generals? theyre all lesbians, naruto references, out of order chapter updates, so much mcdonalds, text fic, the garrison trio, vine references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2019-07-24 22:13:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16184228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StorytellerSecrets/pseuds/StorytellerSecrets
Summary: tailor: did someone say pridetailor: i love pridepidgeoto: we knowtailor: im gaypidgeoto: we KNOW





	1. The Mullet™

**Author's Note:**

> Or: Another Chat Fic That No One Asked For: Voltron Edition

**pidgeoto:** hi my names michael with a b

 

**tailor:** y hello there bmike

 

**lambsauce:** do either of you take constructive criticism?

 

**pidgeoto:** no

 

**tailor:** theres no need 4 it im already perfect

 

**lambsauce:** it never hurts to try

 

**pidgeoto:** i think keith would beg to differ

 

**tailor:** keith? begging? i don’t think he even knows how 2 ask politely

 

**pidgeoto:** shit man i thought so too but maybe not

 

**lambsauce:** wait but what happened to keith

 

**lambsauce:** is he hurt?

 

**pidgeoto:** well his pride certainly is

 

**tailor:** did someone say pride

 

**tailor:** i love pride

 

**pidgeoto:** we know

 

**tailor:** im gay

 

**pidgeoto:** we  _ know _

 

**lambsauce:** keith? hello? what happened?

 

**pidgeoto:** so i was sittin there

 

**lambsauce:** please don’t

 

**pidgeoto:** too late

 

**pidgeoto:** so i was sitting there

 

**pidgeoto:** barbecue sauce on my titties

 

**tailor:** kinky

 

**lambsauce:** oh my  _ god _

 

**lambsauce:** what happened to keith

 

**lambsauce:** guys

 

**pidgeoto:** he died

 

**lambsauce:** what?! how?

 

**tailor:** she’s just fucking with you

 

**tailor:** pidge tell hunk you were just fucking with him

 

**pidgeoto:** but i wasn’t

 

**tailor:** pidge

 

**tailor:** pidge this isn’t fucking funny anymore

 

**tailor:** what happened to keith

 

**tailor:** pidge i’m serious i’ll tell matt

 

**pidgeoto:** jesus christ hes fine

 

**pidgeoto:** besides you’ll tell matt what?

 

**pidgeoto:** perhaps about the super tiny but also gigantic crush you have on the Mullet™

 

**tailor:** pidge ily but shut the up fuck

 

**pidgeoto:** pft

 

**pidgeoto:** “shut the up fuck” he says

 

**lambsauce:** but seriously pidge, man, don’t do that to me

 

**lambsauce:** you really had me scared

 

**pidgeoto:** yeah and so was lance

 

**pidgeoto:** _ lance _ was worried about  _ keith _

 

**Private** **Channel opened between @lambsauce and @pidgeoto**

 

**lambsauce:** i know what you’re doing

 

**pidgeoto:** what ever do you mean hunk my good man???

 

**pidgeoto:** i have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.

 

**lambsauce:** this is definately a bad idea and an extreme violation of privacy

 

**lambsauce:** i won’t help you

 

**pidgeoto:** meet me at the McD’s by the house

 

**lambsauce:** wait why

 

**pidgeoto:** i need to discuss the honor of our good friend keith

 

**lambsauce:** and you need me why

 

**pidgeoto:** bitch im lonely

 

**lambsauce:** just get matt to help you

 

**pidgeoto:** fine u suck  >:<

 

**lambsauce:** and pidge

 

**pidgeoto:** ye?

 

**lambsauce:** just remember that who lance likes and what he does about it is his decision ok

 

**pidgeoto:** ugh

 

**pidgeoto:** fiiine

 

**pidgeoto:** i guess i wont ruin their pity party just yet

 

**Private** **Channel closed between @lambsauce and @pidgeoto**

 

**tailor:** i know u guys r vaguely talking about me

 

**pidgeoto:** we would never

 

**lambsauce:** how’d you know?

 

**pidgeoto:** damnit hunk

 

**tailor:** aha ive caught u u twisted pals

 

**tailor:** what were u talking about though

 

**pidgeoto:** wendy’s

 

**pidgeoto:** we were talking about wendys

 

**lambsauce:** yes

 

**lambsauce:** Wendy’s

 

**tailor:** whatever

 

**tailor:** so hey pidge i noticed that u never actually explained what happened 2 keith

 

**tailor:** what did u do 2 him katie

 

**pidge:** oh sHiT GOTTA’ BLAST MY MOMS CALLING ME SORRY

 

**tailor:** damnit

 

**lambsauce:** hey dude?

 

**tailor:** yes my man what’s up

 

**lambsauce:** wanna’ come hang?

 

**tailor:** you get the noose and ill get the paper and pens amigo

 

**lambsauce:** okay lance what the  _ fuck _

 

**tailor:** sorry

 

**tailor:** too dark?

 

**lambsauce:** a little

 

**lambsauce:** please will you come over

 

**tailor:** ugh

 

**tailor:** i guess

 

**lambsauce:** see you in thirty?

 

**tailor:** more like ten

 

**lambsauce:** lance it takes half an hour to get to my house from yours

 

**tailor:** well

 

**tailor:** u know what they say

 

**tailor:** speed limits r just suggestions

 

**lambsauce:** no they’re really not

 

**tailor:** i think im lifting off the ground holy shit

 

**lambsauce:** lance please dont die

 

**lambsauce:** wait

 

**lambsauce:** are you texting while driving!?

 

**tailor:**

 

**tailor:** ...maybe

 

**lambsauce:** oh my god  _ lance _ you’re going to get yourself killed

 

**tailor:** no i won’t

 

**lambsauce:** how are you so sure?

 

**tailor:** because im already here

 

**tailor:** and oh look im fine

 

**lambsauce:** remind me who it was that gave you your liscence

 

**tailor:** a magician never reveals his secrets

 

**tailor:** anyways let me in its cold out here

 

**lambsauce:** its the middle of summer

 

**tailor:** _ it’s cold out here _

 

-:-

 

**lambsauce:** are we actually gonna watch something?

 

**tailor:** that’s up to you, amigo

 

**lambsauce:** lance what’s wrong

 

**tailor:** its nothing

 

**lambsauce:** but?

 

**tailor:** i just

 

**tailor:** ugh

 

**tailor:** can i tell you a secret?

 

**lambsauce:** of course you can

 

**tailor:** but you have to promise not to tell

 

**lambsauce:** i won’t unless its going to hurt you or someone else

 

**tailor:** ok

 

**tailor:** just,, promise you’ll still be friends with me?

 

**lambsauce:** of fucking course i will be

 

**lambsauce:** i love you buddy

 

**tailor:** i like keith

 

**lambsauce:** oh

 

**lambsauce:** okay

 

**lambsauce:** cool

 

**tailor:** no you don’t get it

 

**tailor:** i  _ like _ keith

 

**tailor:** like,, romantically

 

**lambsauce:** that’s great, buddy

 

**tailor:** no it isn’t

 

**tailor:** it’s horrible

 

**tailor:** because im in love with the one person that i could never have a chance with

 

**tailor:** he  _ hates _ me

 

**tailor:** and im in love with him

 

**lambsauce:** are you crying right now?

 

**tailor:** no, i just got dust

 

**tailor:** i just have dust in my eye

 

**lambsauce:** in both of them

 

**tailor:** what can i say your house is unnaturally dusty

 

**lambsauce:** okay

 

**lambsauce:** i love you, man

 

**lambsauce:** and nothing like who you love is ever gonna change that

 

**tailor:** pf

 

**tailor:** do you love me bithc

 

**tailor:** never gonna stop lovin me bitch

 

**lambsauce:** yeah, i do

 

**tailor:** oh

 

**tailor:** i love you to

 

**tailor:** fuck this emotional shit man lets watch a movie

 

**lambsauce:** disney or romcom or horror

  
**tailor:** _ yes _


	2. They Call Me Taylor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> @pidgeoto has added @kogayne to Voltron
> 
> kogayne: who are you and what do you want
> 
> pidgeoto: principal zarkon
> 
> pidgeoto: im after your drawings of those mecha space cats
> 
> kogayne: the what
> 
> pidgeoto: the ones that you showed to the weird girl with the glasses in the library
> 
> kogayne: oh those
> 
> kogayne: okay

**pidgeoto:** dear god what the _fuck_ did you two come straight out of a fanfiction

 

 **tailor:** pffft

 

 **tailor:** she said straight

 

 **lambsauce:** *gasp* pidge!

 

 **lambsauce:** i thought you were better than this

 

 **pidgeoto:** what can i say

 

 **pidgeoto:** i live to disappoint

 

 **tailor:** i disappoint to live

 

 **pidgeoto:** that doesn’t even make sense

 

 **tailor:** you don’t make sense

 

 **lambsauce:** you guys are funny

 

 **tailor:** wait why

 

 **lambsauce:** because this was the exact conversation that you and keith had like,, two days ago?

 

 **tailor:** did you just,,

 

 **tailor:** compare our precious and beloved pidge

 

 **tailor:** to the **Mullet™**??

 

 **lambsauce:** indeed, i did

 

 **tailor:** hunk

 

 **lambsauce:** yes, oh blessed lance?

 

 **tailor:** thanks, but

 

 **tailor:** you can’t fucking sit with us

 

 **pidgeoto:** but wherever else will he rest his bodacious body?

 

 **tailor:** he can go sit with keith

 

 **lambsauce:** where does keith even _go_ during lunch?

 

 **tailor:** idk probably with his club of emos

 

 **lambsauce:** he has a club

 

 **tailor:** yeah he’s surprisingly popular

 

 **tailor:** for being such an asshole

 

 **pidgeoto:** guys keith eats by himself

 

 **tailor:** yeah well it’s probably just because he needs to keep his Emo Credentials

 

 **pidgeoto:** ...right

 

 **pidgeoto:** so im gonna add him to this chat

 

 **tailor:** wait what

 

 **@pidgeoto** has added **@kogayne** to **Voltron**

 

 **kogayne:** who are you and what do you want

 

 **pidgeoto:** principal zarkon

 

 **pidgeoto:** im after your drawings of those mecha space cats

 

 **kogayne:** the what

 

 **pidgeoto:** the ones that you showed to the weird girl with the glasses in the library

 

 **kogayne:** oh those

 

 **kogayne:** okay

 

 **kogayne:** why do you want them?

 

 **pidgeoto:** because they’re really cool

 

 **tailor:** oh no no no what is _he_ doing here

 

 **kogayne:** who are you?

 

 **tailor:** the name’s lance

 

 **kogayne:** oh

 

 **kogayne:** do i know you?

 

 **tailor:** **_OOF_ **

 

 **kogayne:** i do don’t i

 

 **pidgeoto:** yeah you do

 

 **kogayne:** sorry

 

 **tailor:** we’re rivals, man

 

 **kogayne:** but taylor’s my only rival?

 

 **tailor:** oh who’s that?

 

 **kogayne:** he’s in my astronomy class. He’s really smart

 

 **tailor:** i have astronomy with you

 

 **tailor:** and i know for a fact that there is no taylors in our class

 

 **tailor:** who are you talking about

 

 **kogayne:** everyone calls him taylor, anyways

 

 **kogayne:** he mentions it all the time

 

 **pidgeoto:** POFKJHNBGSD

 

 **pidgeoto:** keith

 

 **pidgeoto:** my buddy

 

 **pidgeoto:** my man

 

 **pidgeoto:** how does he say it

 

 **kogayne:** ur not principal zarkon are you

 

 **pidgeoto:** surprise motherfucker im the weird girl with glasses

 

 **kogayne:** which one?

 

 **pidgeoto:** the one you showed all those mecha space cats to

 

 **kogayne:** oh that girl

 

 **kogayne:** hi

 

 **pidgeoto:** just so you know im still after those drawings

 

 **kogayne:** you...want them?

 

 **pidgeoto:** of course i do they’re amazing

 

 **kogayne:** you can have them, i guess

 

 **kogayne:** i can just give them to you tomorrow during study hall

 

 **pidgeoto:** ANYWAYSSFGHD

 

 **pidgeoto:** keith does he say it like this?

 

 **kogayne:** like what?

 

 **pidgeoto:** hold on im typing

 

 **kogayne:** okay

 

 **pidgeoto:** “They call me the Taylor because of how I thread the needle.”

 

 **kogayne:** yeah like that

 

 **pidgeoto:** asdgfjk ffs that’s lance

 

 **kogayne:** huh?

 

 **lambsauce:** lance said he was rivals with you, and his username is literally tailor, how did you not catch on?

 

 **kogayne:** i still don’t get it

 

 **tailor:** wait you thought my name was taylor

 

 **kogayne:** no you just said your name was lance. Taylor’s my rival

 

 **tailor:** IM your rival

 

 **kogayne:** that doesn’t make any sense!

 

**tailor:**

 

 **tailor:** wait

 

 **tailor:** i get it

 

 **tailor:** keith, you’re really stupid

 

 **kogayne:** why am i the stupid one if you didn’t get it either?!

 

 **tailor:** because i figured it out!

 

 **tailor:** you thought my name was taylor because i called myself The Tailor

 

 **kogayne:** well why would you call yourself the tailor if your name is lance?!

 

 **tailor:** because it’s funny

 

 **kogayne:** no it isn’t

 

 **tailor:** is to

 

 **kogayne:** is not

 

 **tailor:** is to

 

 **kogayne:** is to

 

 **tailor:** is not

 

 **kogayne:** ha!

 

 **tailor:** hey thats no fair you tricked me asshole

 

 **pidgeoto:** god i see why you two don’t get along

 

 **lambsauce:** anyways, keith, welcome to the chat

 

 **kogayne:** thanks

 

 **pidgeoto:** so are you gay

 

 **kogayne:** what?

 

 **pidgeoto:** because your name’s ko GAY ne

 

 **kogayne:** no that’s just a dumb joke

 

 **kogayne:** it doesn’t mean anything ok

 

 **pidgeoto:** okay

 

 **pidgeoto:** wanna come sit with us?

 

 **kogayne:** uh

 

 **tailor:** its okay

 

 **tailor:** besides, im sure his emo posse wants him to sit with them anyways

 

 **kogayne:** my what?

 

 **tailor:** your friends

 

 **kogayne:** bitch, where?

 

 **tailor:** your fucking emo posse that follows you around all the time

 

 **kogayne:** you mean,,, James and his friends??

 

 **tailor:** sure

 

 **kogayne:** they’re not friends

 

 **tailor:** so what you just keep them around for show?

 

 **kogayne:** what no of course i dont

 

 **kogayne:** they’re just not my friends okay

 

 **tailor:** suuurrre

 

 **kogayne:** ugh

 

 **kogayne:** thanks for adding me to this group pidgeoto

 

 **pidgeoto:** my names katie

 

 **pidgeoto:** but you must call me pidge okay

 

 **kogayne:** okay

 

 **kogayne:** my names keith and honestly i dont care what you call me at this point

 

 **pidgeoto:** nicccce

 

 **lambsauce:** well im hunk and i like your drawings keith

 

 **kogayne:** but,, you haven’t seen them before??

 

 **lambsauce:** yes but pidge likes them and i know pidge enough to know that she has good artistic taste

 

 **lambsauce:** unlike lance who religiously listens to the spongebob campfire song

 

 **kogayne:** you guys are weird

 

 **tailor:** yeah well fuck you

 

 **lambsauce:** lance

 

 **tailor:** what

 

 **lambsauce:** that was mean

 

 **tailor:** so is calling us weird!

 

 **lambsauce:** apologise, now

 

 **tailor:** ugh

 

 **tailor:** sorry

 

 **lambsauce:** keith

 

 **kogayne:** yes

 

 **lambsauce:** apologize

 

 **kogayne:** im sorry

 

 **lambsauce:** good

 

 **lambsauce:** now join us for lunch

 

 **kogayne:** lunch just ended

 

 **lambsauce:** *tomorrow join us for lunch

 

 **kogayne:** ...okay

 

 **pidgeoto:** god were all so useless

 

 **kogayne:** id fight that but i cant fight that


	3. Keith Did It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pidgeoto: you’ll help me?
> 
> kogayne: ...fine
> 
> kogayne: but only because you like my robot lions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I've Lost Control Of This Hellfire Of A Fic. Enjoy.

**pidgeoto:** keith why the hell are you at school at five in the morning

 

**kogayne:** because i have a job?

 

**pidgeoto:** at school at five in the morning?!

 

**kogayne:** yes?

 

**pidgeoto:** every day?!

 

**kogayne:** no

 

**kogayne:** teenagers are only legally allowed to work eighteen hours a week during the school year so of course i dont

 

**pidgeoto:** oh okay so ur a janitor

 

**kogayne:** yes why

 

**pidgeoto:** ~nothing

 

**pidgeoto:** but if i needed it could you let me into mr fucksters room

 

**pidgeoto:** because i need it

 

**kogayne:** we’ll both get in trouble

 

**pidgeoto:** i can disable the secrity cameras

 

**kogayne:** the secrity cameras

 

**pidgeoto:** fuck you and fuck spelling

 

**kogayne:** sorry but why do you need to get into mccallisters office

 

**pidgeoto:** fucker took my droid and won’t give it back

 

**kogayne:** your...what?

 

**pidgeoto:** my robot

 

**kogayne:** okay

 

**pidgeoto:** you’ll help me?

 

**kogayne:** ...fine

 

**kogayne:** but only because you like my robot lions

 

-:-

 

**@** **sirlancelot** has added **@keef** , **@piwwge** , **@** **the hunkster** to _Voltroes_

 

**keef:** why am i in another chat?

 

**sirlancelot:** the real question is why did you wake me up at five in the morning, sir

 

**keef:** it was an accident

 

**the hunkster:** no but for real lance why are we switching chats

 

**sirlancelot:** we’re not

 

**sirlancelot:** we’re just...taking precautions

 

**keef:** what does  _ that _ mean?

 

**sirlancelot:** i think there’s a spy in our ranks

 

**the hunkster:** but there’s only five of us?

 

**piwwge:** keith did it

 

**keef:** w h a t

 

**piwwge:** well i did it but keith gave me the resources to do it so honestly i think he should take the blame

 

**keef:** what are you talking about?!

 

**piwwge:** remember when you gave me shiro’s contact?

 

**sirlancelot:** wait you mean The Shiro??!

 

**sirlancelot:** how the fuck do you know Takashi Shirogane?!

 

**keef:** uh…

 

**keef:** he’s my brother

 

**the hunkster:** wow i guess i can kind of see the resemblance

 

**keef:** im adopted

 

**the** hunkster **** **** **:** ignore me

 

**sirlancelot:** _ you’re _ related to  _ Takashi Shirogane _ ?!?!

 

**piwwge:** yes well anyways i added him and matt and their girlfriend

 

**sirlancelot:** you did w h a t

 

**keef:** wait what

 

**the hunkster:** oh god pidge which chat did you add them to

 

**piwwge:** ~both of them :)

 

**Princess:** What is this?

**piwwge:** hi allura

**Princess:** Katie?

**piwwge:** my name is piwwge can you read

**Princess:** My apologies, piwwge. What am I doing here?

**sirlancelot:** im sorry, can you help me find my way?

**sirlancelot:** it seems i got lost in your eyes

**Princess:** I have two boyfriends, thanks.

**sirlancelot:** damn

**ShiroGone:** keith why am i here

**keef:** i don’t know

**ShiroGone:** nice name

**keef:**

…………………./´¯/)

………………..,/¯../

………………./…./

…………./´¯/’…’/´¯¯`·¸

………./’/…/…./……./¨¯\

……..(‘(…´…´…. ¯~/’…’)

………\……………....’…../

……….”…\…….. _.·´

………...…\……………..(......

……...……..\………….\…

**sirlancelot:** damn keith what are you an artist

**keef:** yes?

**sirlancelot:** oh

**sirlancelot:** anyways pidge who’s the princess

**piwwge:** matt and shiros girlfriend

**sirlancelot:** wait matt and shiro are dating

**sirlancelot:** wait who is matt

**sirlancelot:** pidge explain

**Matey:** My name is Matt and I’m Katie’s sister.

**piwwge:** yes hes my  _ ssister _ obviously

**Princess:** Guess I’m a half-lesbian now.

**ShiroGone:** And I thought I only had one girlfriend.

**Matey:** Damn you. Twas merely an error. I am Pidge’s brother and my boyfriend sucks.

**sirlancelot:** not your girlfriend?

**Matey:** If I say she sucks she can and will literally dropkick me into the sun.

**sirlancelot:** that’s kinda hot

**Matey:** _ Right _

 

**the hunkster:** guys can i add my girlfriend

**the hunkster:** i mean i get it if that’s too weird but she’s really nice and i want you to meet her but she goes to a different school and we only recently started dating sorry i didnt tell you sooner i was just really busy but if it’s okay can i add her to this chat

**sirlancelot:** hunk

**the hunkster:** yes

**sirlancelot:** sure

**the hunkster:** okay

**the hunkster:** wait really

**sirlancelot:** duh, i want to meet her

**sirlancelot:** so add her already

**@the hunkster** has added **@Shay** to _Voltroes_

**Shay:** Oh. Hello.

**Shay:** What is this?

**the hunkster:** remember the group chat i talked to you about yesterday

**Shay:** Oh.  _ Oh. _ That group chat. Hello!

**Princess:** Hello. My name is Allura, and I am dating Shiro and Matt.

**Shay:** That’s nice but I know none of those people.

**Princess:** Keith and Katie’s brothers?

**Shay:** Still no, sorry.

**Princess:** No matter. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

**Shay:** And I you, Allura.

**Shay:** Is it always this...quiet?

**Princess:** From what I can gather, not at all.

**Shay:** Oh, are you new here as well?

**Princess:** I arrived into this chat only a few hours before you did.

**Shay:** I see. Well, what do you know of the other people in this chat?

**Princess:** Hm. Well, Lance is a flirt, that I can tell. Pidge, or katie, is smart and a bit awkward, but has good intentions. Keith, even though I’m dating his brother, I know little about. He’s quiet, and likes to create, but that’s about all I know. Shiro’s one of my boyfriends, and he’s tall and happy all the time. He likes animals and has the most gorgeous eyes. Matt is smart, like his sister.

**Shay:** I see. Well, I shall hope to know them well!

**Princess:** And me as well.

**sirlancelot:** guys that rhymed

**Princess:** It did?

**sirlancelot:** yeah cause well and well rhyme

**pidgeoto:** theyre the same word you dunce

**kogayne:** lance rumtegs looking right at you put your phone dowsdklfj

**ShiroGone:** Guys pay attention.

**pidgeoto:** wait what happened keith

**sirlancelot:** Mr. Rumteg took his phone lmfaofdggggh

**pidgeoto:** wanna bet that lance got his phone taken too?

**ShiroGone:** suckers bet

**pidgeoto:** i mean,

**pidgeoto:** sucks to suck  ¯\\_(ツ)_/

-:-

**the hunkster:** they’re going to get their phones back

**the hunkster:** imma wait for them

**Shay:** That’s so nice of you, Hunk!

**the hunkster:** i mean not really

**Shay:** It totally is!

**the hunkster:** thanks

**Shay:** :)

**the** **hunkster:** wait lance came out

**ShiroGone:** where’s keith?

**the hunkster:** probably still in there im not sure

**sirlancelot:** Mr. Rumteg wouldn’t give our phones back because idk but keith convinced him to give mine back and then Mr. Rumteg started yelling at him

**pidgeoto:** what was he even yelling about?

**sirlancelot:** i dont really know he mentioned something about a file and calling his parents

**ShiroGone:** Thank you, Lance. I’ll head down there.

**sirlancelot:** no problem?

**sirlancelot:** what did Mr. Rumteg mean though?

**ShiroGone:** Ask Keith about it later. It’s up to him whether he tells you or not.

**sirlancelot:** okaaaay, so, hunk, pidge

**pidgeoto:** movies?

**the hunkster:** movies.

**Matey:** Ill drive you dweebs

**Princess:** You just want to watch the new anime movie in theaters you lying liar

**Matey:** d a m n this is bullying

**Matey:** but like,, u right

**Princess:** You’re a dork.

**Matey:** yeah but im ur dork

**Princess:** Don’t push it.

**Matey:** <3

**Princess:** -_- This is me sighing right now. This is my sighing face.

**Princess:** <3

**Matey:** aha yes my darling princess has admitted her feeling for me!!!  <3<3<3<3<3

**sirlancelot:** you guys are so sappy

**sirlancelot:** i love it

**pidgeoto:** you say that until theyre up all night in your room screaming their feelings of affection at each other on a school night

**Matey:** that was one time KATIE

**pidgeoto:** sure MATTHEW are we going to the movies or not

**pidgeoto:** wait keith do you have your phone back

**kogayne:** yes

**pidgeoto:** do you want to come to the movies with us

**kogayne:** uh

**pidgeoto:** come on itll be fun

**kogayne:** i mean

**pidgeoto:** i want you to be there please dont leave me alone with the Domestic Friends

**kogayne:** okay

**pidgeoto:** do you need us to pick you up?

**ShiroGone:** No need. I’ll drive him.

**pidgeoto:** youre just doing that so you can see that movie with matt aren’t you

**ShiroGone:** What gave me away?

**pidgeoto:** youre dating Matt

**kogayne:** your k-pop collection and week-long anime binges

**pidgeoto:** damn him too

**kogayne:** its like him at matt were meant for each other

**Princess:** And I’m just here.

**Shay:** Aww, Ally, come over.

**the hunkster:** i didn’t know you guys were friends

**Shay:** What can I say? This group chat is Wild.

**sirlancelot:** you can say that again.

**sirlancelot:** hey Keith

**kogayne:** what

**sirlancelot:** i bet we can get to the theater before you guys do

**kogayne:** you’re on

-:-

 

**pidgeoto:** GUYS WERE GOING TOO FAST

**Matey:** I THINK WERE GOING AIRBORNE

**pidgeoto:** R U TEXTING WHILE DRIVING WHAT THE FUCK MATT UR GOING TO KILL US

**kogayne:** GUYS STOP GOING SO FAST

**sirlancelot:** NO A BET IS A BET I WILL NOT CEASE

**Matey:** BOOM WERE HERE FUCKERS

**ShiroGone:** Oh, finally.

**sirlancelot:** what do you mean ‘finally’?!

**kogayne:** we got here  _ ages _ ago.

**sirlancelot:** but how?

**kogayne:** one word; hoverbike

**sirlancelot:** that isn’t a thing

**sirlancelot:** pidge tell keith that’s not a thing

**pidgeoto:** keiths brother is an astronaut i dont know if thats a thing

**kogayne:** its a thing and i built it

**kogayne:** look behind you

**the hunkster:** damn that paint job though

**pidgeoto:**  but how did you make it _fly_

__

**kogayne:** a magician never reveals his secrets

**sirlancelot:** okay that does look really cool but guys were gonna be late for the movies if we dont get in line for snacks like, ten minutes ago

**Matey:** already on it losers

**  
pidgeoto:** he says, despite the fact that hes the biggest loser to ever walk the face of the earth

**sirlancelot:** hey keith i bet i can get a better seat than you

**kogayne:** wanna bet?

**sirlancelot:** race you

**kogayne:** hey WAIT THAT’S NOT FAIR YOU HAD A HEADSTART

**ShiroGone:** guys

**Shirogone:** -_-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated in the sense that they make me squeal like a hyperactive chipmunk and they make me go into a writing frenzy, more often than not.


	4. The GBBS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> t-rax: shay were never changing the channel again i love this show
> 
> Shay: Me too
> 
> Shay: its so relaxing. And british.
> 
> t-rax: was that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys. Guys. GUYS I DID IT. I got off my lazy butt and procured another chapter from the void that is my mind! Enjoy!

**@Princess** has added **@Shay** to _BestFuckingFriends_

 

 **Princess:** What do you think they’re watching?

 

 **Sh** **ay:** Whatever it is, it’s not nearly as cool as whatever we’re watching.

 

 **Princess:** But we’re watching the Great British Baking Show

 

 **Shay:** I _know_

 

 **Princess:** Why aren’t we talking?

 

 **Shay:** Why not.

 

 **Shay:** Sometimes, I think it’s easier to write things than to say them aloud.

 

 **Princess:** That’s definitely true.

 

 **Princess:** How are things with Rax?

 

 **Shay:** It’s...better. He’s a lot different from before, though.

 

 **Princess:** It’s been a long time, though. He’s bound to have changed, as have you.

 

 **Shay:** No, I mean before he used to...I don’t know, relax. He used to watch cartoons with me and braid my hair and we’d make cookies together and now he’s all cold and aloof and I just don’t know what to say to him.

 

 **Princess:** Hear me out here, because I’m not a mind-reader and I might be getting this wrong, but I think Rax is going through the same thing as you.

 

 **Shay:** What do you mean?

 

 **Princess:** Just like you feel like you no longer know your brother, he probably feels the same. He probably just doesn’t know how to talk to you anymore, and that might be what’s keeping him away.

 

 **Shay:** But what would I do about that? How can I show him that I’m the same girl as before?

 

 **Princess:** That’s the thing, Shay. You’re _not_ the same girl you were before. You have to rebuild that relationship, and honestly, I haven’t the faintest idea where you should start.

 

 **Shay:** Thanks, Allura. You’re the bestest best friend a girl could ask for, even if we only met a couple of weeks ago.

 

 **Princess:** You too, Shay. You’re amazing, and Hunk is lucky to have you.

 

 **Shay:** damn is this room super dusty or what my eyes are w a t e r y

 

 **Princess:** This baking show is so relaxing. And British.

 

 **Shay:** oh hay ive been meaning to ask you are you in fact perhaps british yourself

 

 **Princess:** Idk do I look like a…?

 

 **Shay:** little bit

 

 **Princess:** Yeah, I’m british. And you are?

 

 **Shay:** My name’s Shay nice to meet you.

 

 **Princess:** Oh my god, you’re so fucking valid.

 

 **Shay:** Did you hear that

 

 **Princess:** That sounded like a door.

 

 **Shay:** My parents are out of town.

 

 **Princess:** Why do you have a bat?!

 

 **Shay:** You mean, why do you have a bat?

 

 **Princess:** Why do I have a bat?

 

 **Shay:** guys someone’s maybe breaking into my house rn

 

 **Princess:** ‘guys,’ she says, despite me being the only other person in this chat.

 

 **Shay:** shut the up frick its for fourth-wall breaking comedy

 

 **Princess:** Where’s the punchline?

 

 **Shay:** did you just……

 

 **Princess:** I think I just punched your brother in the face.

 

 **Shay:** aw shittos this is bad

 

 **Shay:** oh i get it

 

 **Shay:** “where's the punchline” and then you punched him

 

 **Princess:** Really not funny, Shay. I just murdered you brother.

 

 **Shay:** ah, he’s not dead

 

 **Shay:** probably

 

 **Shay:** help me move him to the couch?

 

 **Princess:** Sure.

 

 **Shay:** so i guess we should just...go back to watching the GBBS?

 

 **Princess:** Or we could make apology brownies for your brother.

 

 **Shay:** Or we could do _both_.

 

 **Princess:** k anyone know how to make brownies

 

 **@Princess** has added **@Hunkers** to _BestFuckingFriends_

 

 **Princess:** Hunk we need brownies.

 

 **Hunkers:** wwhen do u need them?

 

 **Princess:** Like yesterday.

 

 **Hunkers:** what kind of brownies.

 

 **Princess:** The good kind.

 

 **Hunkers:** k ill talk you through it

 

 **Shay:** babe ily

 

 **Hunkers:** oh

**Hunkers:** i love you as well

 

 **Princess:** Brownies. Now, please.

 

 **Hunkers:** okay so my names hunkety hunk and this is my show generic white people baking

 

 **Hunkers:** today were gonna make marbled brownies which are hard to make but easy to bake and yeah theyre good

 

 **Hunkers:** wait what are these brownies even for

 

 **Shay:** ally punched my brother in the face and knocked him out old so their apology brownies

 

 **Princess:** IN MY DEFENCE _SOMEONE_ made it sound like there was a robber breaking in

 

 **Shay:** Sorry I forgot my brother existed for a second okay

 

 **Hunkers:** how are things with your brother, anayways?

 

 **Shay:** they could be better but if we dont make these brownies theyll be a lot worse

 

 **Hunkers:** okay so preheat the oven to 350 degrees mothertruckers its baking time

 

 **Shay:** hunk do you love me

 

 **Hunkers:** yes i do in fact

 

 **Shay:** will you still love me after i tell you i dont know how to preheat an oven

 

 **Hunkers:** …

 

 **Hunkers:** yeah i love you but d a m n for real?

 

 **Shay:** im sorry i failed cooking class four times but ive tried!

 

 **Hunkers:** its okay babe i-still-ly

 

 **Hunkers:** Allura can you preheat an oven

 

 **Princess:** Oh, I already did.

 

 **Hunkers:** okay well now were gonna do the hard measuring stuff

 

 **Shay:** rax woke up OH S H I T what do i do

 

 **Shay:** he asked me what was going on and i just stared at him and started crying shit

 

 **Princess:** Add him to the chat.

 

 **Shay:** why the fuck allura i love you but what

 

 **Princess:** If you can’t explain out loud, do it over text like a basic bitch.

 

 **Shay:** you know what fuck it

 

 **@Shay** has added **@t-rax** to _BestFuckingFriends_

 

 **t-rax:** why do i have a black eye and who is this

 

 **Shay:** fucking scroll up

 

 **Shay:** like way up man

 

_(Several minutes later)_

 

 **t-rax:** ok so firstly w o w that was a wild ride

 

 **t-rax:** secondly thank you for the apology brownie ideas its really sweet but im deathly allergic to chocolate

 

 **Shay:** did i really

 

 **Shay:** i juust tried to murder my own wholesome brother

 

 **t-rax:** THIRDLY. Who are you.

 

 **Princess:** me?

 

 **t-rax:** no the other you

 

 **Princess:** I’m Allura.

 

 **t-rax:** nice but i meant the hunk one

 

 **Hunkster:** I’m fucking your sister.

 

 **t-rax:** im sorry wha t :)

 

 **Hunkster:** Shit wait i meant to say dating gimme a sec i need to go jump off a bridge

 

 **t-rax:** yes you do

 

 **Shay:** Wow Hunk I Never Knew You Felt This Way

 

 **Hunkster:** IM SORRY THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT

 

 **t-rax:** wait you guys are dating

 

 **Shay:** yes

 

 **t-rax:** but not fucking

 

 **Shay:** also yes

 

 **t-rax:** im somehow okay with this

 

 **t-rax:** i think your tall friend gave me a concussion

 

 **Princess:** I am SO Sorry

 

 **t-rax:** it’s okay

 

 **t-rax:** hey wait is that the great british baking show

 

 **t-rax:** shay were never changing the channel again i love this show

 

 **Shay:** Me too

 

 **Shay:** its so relaxing. And british.

 

 **t-rax:** was that

 

 **t-rax:** was that a king falls agent reagan spears reference

 

 **Shay:** Oh my god it actually was

 

 **t-rax:** yes so i love you sister

 

 **Shay:** and i love reagan. shes so stupid i love it.

 

 **t-rax:** _right_

 

 **Princess:** So, I’m just gonna’ go…

 

 **t-rax:** watch the door on your way out.

 

 **Shay:** r00d

 

 **t-rax:** no i mean i think i broke it when i was body-slammed into it

 

 **Princess:** :/ in my defense it was to protect your sister from a potential enemy intruder

 

 **t-rax:** ah yes that is i the potential enemy intruder and your OWN BLOOD BROTHER SHA Y

 

 **Shay:** hush. look. baking show.

 

 **t-rax:** can’t fight with that damnit

 

 **Hunkster:** This has been a _day._

 

 **Shay:** wait hunk what movie were you watching

 

 **Hunkster:** uhhh

 

 **Shay:** it was that anime one right

 

 **t-rax:** your boyfriend watches anime

 

 **Shay:** hush demon brother

 

 **Hunkster:** yeah it was the boruto one

 

 **t-rax:** that one SUCKS

 

 **Hunkster:** sorry to be rude but IT DOES NOT

 

 **t-rax:** uh have you seen orochimaru’s parenting skills?

 

 **Hunkster:** Okay valid but It Has MITSUKI and have you seen that child

 

 **t-rax:** fair but also like 1/5 because not enough hugs

 

 **Hunkster:** okay i cant fight that either d a mn

 

 **Hunkster:** so im just gonna go to sleep now in this car its been a long day

 

 **Hunkster:** the car broke down on the way home so im just gonna go to bed until someone wakes me up

 

 **Shay:** Im gonna watch TGBBS with my bro but also hunk are they fixing the car

 

 **Hunkster:** idk but im going to bed

 

 **Shay:** kk goodnight  <3

 

 **Hunkster:** ggoodnight too  <3

 

 **t-rax:** im gonna sit here and watch the GBBS with my fav. Sibling

 

 **Shay:** Im your _only_ sibling

 

 **t-rax:** _I know, right?_

 

 **Princess:** I’m going to sleep at my good boyfriend’s house.

 

 **Shay:** yes but which one

 

 **Princess:** see that is the one thing you will never know :)

 

 **Shay:** da m n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please just Validate Me with those kudos and comments, man. They are a balm for my tortured soul.


	5. Shiro Stop Throwing Your Arm (Part One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ally: Did you just knock a potential burglar out by throwing your prothstetic?
> 
> takashit: maybe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooof im totally writing these chapters in order what (sorry it too so long for an update im a walking disaster)

**@Ally** has added **@takashit** to **Bitches Gonna Bitch**

 

 **Ally:** hey fucker open up im at ur house

 

 **takashit:** Allura why are you at my house?

 

 **takashit:** _I’m_ not even at my house. I’m at Matt’s house.

 

 **takashit:** and why am i a fucker what did i do??

 

 **Ally:** nothing im just freezing my balls off

 

 **takashit:** didn’t know you had balls but okay

 

 **Ally:** I’m about to stab you bitch

 

 **takashit:** For any...particular reason?

 

 **Ally:** I’m fucking cold.

 

 **takashit:** Keith should be at home, just ring the bell

 

 **Ally:**  well hes not answering and im fucking cold shiro

 

 **takashit:** ...okay. He’s probably just asleep. Give me like five minutes and ill head over and see what’s up.

 

 **Ally:** >:c

 

 **takashit:** Allura this is literally the meanest question I can ask you but I’m currently dying so...are you on your period?

 

 **Ally:** **_bitch did you just_ **

 

 **takashit:** Look, I’m only asking because last I checked we were synced and I’m bleeding my mangina out here and I get it.

 

 **Ally:** k so im breaking into your house ur taking too long and i dont like u right now

 

 **takashit:** Allura no thats illegal

 

 **Ally:** Allura _yes_.

 

 **Ally:** That was...a lot easier than I thought it would be, actually.

 

 **takashit:** Did you,,, actually just break into my good christian house?

 

 **Ally:** Fuck you and maybe.

 

 **Ally:** Keith isn’t here.

 

 **takashit:** Great. -_- Well, all I can really do is hope that he isn’t dead and hasn’t been kidnapped. I’ll be there in a minute.

 

 **takashit:** How did you even break in Allura?

 

 **Ally:** I kicked the door down.

 

 **takashit:** but ?? those doors can withstand like a thousand pounds of pressure.

 

 **Ally:** idk but I kicked your weak ass doors down

 

 **takashit:** okay im here

 

 **Ally:** Thank god, finally. Ur house is freezing

 

 **takashit:** Well, maybe it’s because _someone_ decided to kick the door down.

 

 **Ally:** Worth it.

 

 **takashit:** I’m sure it was. Now let’s ride.

 

 **Ally:** ...to Matt’s house?

 

 **takashit:** sure.

 

* * *

 

 

 **Ally:** Where’s Matt?

 

 **takashit:** Why are We texting?

 

 **Ally:** Answer the question.

 

 **takashit:** idk he never made it home from the movies i guess

 

 **Ally:** Where are Sam and Colleen?

 

 **takashit:** On a cruise to Jamaica.

 

 **Ally:** Who are you and what have you done with Shiro?

 

 **takashit:** Oh takashit. You’ve caught me.

 

 **takashit:** The truth is, I’m actually Shiro’s identical twin brother, Kuro.

 

 **Ally:** Why go through all of this just to trick me?

 

 **takashit:** Because you are a princess, and I your evil captor.

 

 **takashit:** Now what knight will save you now?

 

 **Ally:** That was one too many “now”’s.

 

 **Ally:** And to answer your question: me, bitch.

 

 **takashit:** oufghhhhhhhjh

 

 **takashit:** my god that was a dropkick from hell

 

 **takashit:** allura you may have broken my old man back

 

 **takashit:** i concede

 

 **Ally:** Wait, for real?!

 

 **takashit:** no i think im okay just getting old

 

 **Ally:** Maybe we should settle down a little.

 

 **takashit:** matt has the new incredibles movie on dvd

 

 **Ally:** PUT IT ON

 

 **takashit:** problem is, I think I broke the dvd player when I was body-slammed into it during our JOKING game of pretend

 

 **Ally:** I’m really sorry. I got...a little too in-character.

 

 **takashit:** its fine. Im okay and matt has been needing a new one for awhile so it’s a win-win really.

 

 **takashit:** do you think matt’s okay?

 

 **Ally:** Maybe his car broke down.

 

 **takashit:** matt mcscience holt? Doubtful

 

 **Ally:** Fair point, but what else do you think happened?

 

 **takashit:** idk maybe he got his wish come drue and was abducted by aliens

 

 **Ally:** I thought that was _your_ dream?

 

 **takashit:** what can i say: great minds think alike.

 

 **Ally:** Well are you thinking what I’m thinking?

 

 **takashit:** probably not tbh

 

 **Ally:** No Shiro, ice cream. Matt has ice cream.

 

 **takashit:** wonderful idea actaully that’s totally what i was thinking

 

 **takashit:** so should we...play a board game or something?

 

 **Ally:** Does Matt even _own_ any board games?

 

 **takashit:** ...he has to. Probably.

 

 **Ally:** Should we like...look or something?

 

 **takashit:** But that means we have to Get Up

 

 **Ally:** Then let’s just...idk let’s play twenty questions.

 

 **takashit:** over the phone?

 

 **Ally:** sure. i’ll start: shiro, how did you acquire your nickname?

 

 **takashit:** suddenly im feeling really sleepy.

 

 **Ally:** I’ll ask Matt if you don’t tell me the truth.

 

 **takashit:** Fine. It’s because Keith couldn’t pronounce ‘Takashi’ when we first met, so I let him call me Shiro. Then matt started calling me it and it just spiraled from there.

 

 **Ally:** How old was Keith when you first met him?

 

 **takashit:** you have to take this stuff to the grave okay?

 

 **Ally:** I promise.

 

 **takashit:** i met him when he was thirteen. Im sure youve seen that when he gets stressed out he’ll start to stutter sometimes, but when he was younger it was a lot worse

 

 **takashit:** idk why but his t’s gave him a lot of trouble and he already hardly talked but it embarrassed him a lot whenever he had to say my name so i just let him call me shiro

 

 **Ally:** That’s not what I was expecting but honestly it’s just as adorable.

 

 **takashit:** Do NOT tell Keith I told you, he might actually kill me for that.

 

 **Ally:** I won’t, I promise.

 

 **takashit:** so...my turn, right?

 

 **Ally:** Why do I feel vaguely threatened right now?

 

 **takashit:** wait someone’s at the back door

 

 **Ally:** I can hear it

 

 **takashit:** do you think it’s matt?

 

 **Ally:** idk why would he use the back door?

 

 **takashit:** fucking shit allura get behind me

 

 **takashit:** that’s not even pidge the shadow’s too tall fuck

 

 **Ally:** Who...is that?

 

 **takashit:** I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

 

 **Ally:** Did you just knock a potential burglar out by throwing your prothstetic?

 

 **takashit:** maybe

 

 **takashit:** i think...i think i know who that is

 

 **Ally:** Who?

 

 **takashit:** I’m not entirely sure, but, if i’m right, then there’s probably an explanation. Probably.

 

 **@takashit** has added **@Loser** to **Bitches Gonna Bitch**

 

 **Loser:** To what do I owe this pleasure?

 

 **Ally:** Fucking...Lotor?!

  
**takashit:** i do _not_ get paid enough for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please Love Me it's appreciated.


	6. McDonald's Delivery Service

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tailor: hello, mcdonalds delivery service? Bring me fries.
> 
> kogayne: who are you even talking to
> 
> pidgeoto: what the fuck guys
> 
> pidgeoto: where are my fries?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! It took like two months or something and I thought this fic was gonna be dead for a little-long bit, but I got a chapter done (and some of the next chapter, too)! Enjoy!

**kogayne:** guys it’s like three a.m. but i want mcdonalds someone drive me

 

**tailor:** why are u using the old chat

 

**tailor:** also we can’t the car broke down

 

**kogayne:** how the fuck did matthew science holt break his fucking car

 

**tailor:** idk man but it’s matt so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**kogayne:** fair

 

**kogayne:** did you like toe movie

 

**tailor:** ah yes i loved the Toe Movie it was my favourite

 

**pidgeoto:** eww guys lance has a foot fetish

 

**tailor:** pidge ill fucking fight you

 

**pidgeoto:** sorry u cant im biking to mcdonalds

 

**kogayne:** how? Youre in the car with them aren’t you?

 

**pidgeoto:** i always take my handy-dandy notebook and my bike with me

 

**pidgeoto:** _ everywhere _

 

**kogayne:** wait take me with you

 

**pidgeoto:** im like twenty miles away rn keith

 

**kogayne:** dont leave me alone pidge shiro went to allura’s house

 

**pidgeoto:** no

 

**tailor:** pidge has a spare bike ill take you keith

 

**kogayne:** wait really

 

**kogayne** : you dont have to

 

**tailor:** you live by the outlet by providence right?

 

**kogayne:** yeah but are you sure

 

**tailor:** just like meet me half-way

 

**kogayne:** okay but are you sure sure

 

**tailor:** start walking

 

**kogayne:**  okay i’m running

 

**tailor:** im biking

 

**tailor:** hey i bet i can get to the halway point faster than you can

 

**pidgeoto:** “halway”

 

**kogayne:** youre on

 

**kogayne:** how long do you think it’ll take us to get to mcdonalds

 

**pidgeoto:** it’d take you morons like five minutes if you both just went to the one closest to you

 

**kogayne:** so like a couple of hours?

 

**tailor:** maybe one if we go fast

 

**pidgeoto:** whatever i’m already eating

 

**tailor:** must suck to be eating alone

 

**pidgeoto:** must suck to be biking so much

 

**tailor:** excuse you i love biking

 

**pidgeoto:** figures with legs like those

 

**tailor:** thank you

 

**pidgeoto:** it wasn’t actually a compliment

 

**tailor:** i don’t care it sounded like one

 

**kogayne:** so are you a cyclist?

 

**tailor:** yep! I used to do it a lot with my little sister but now she’s all boring and so i just do it whenever

 

**kogayne:** oh that’s cool

 

**kogayne:** you have a little sister?

 

**tailor:** mmm-hmm. Her name’s veronica and shes a bad-ass. She wants to be an astronaut when she grows up and she’s totally gonna get there

 

**kogayne:** is she in middle school?

 

**tailor:** yes but she’s taking some high school level engineering classes.

 

**pidgeoto:** oh my god guys please tell me you’re not texting each other while you bike

 

**kogayne:** i mean technically im not biking im just running

 

**pidgeoto:** both of you are going to die

 

**tailor:** nah i’m a master of texting while doing shit

 

**pidgeoto:** im not going to either of your funerals you dumasses

 

**tailor:** hey keith i see you

 

**tailor:** “lets meet halfway” keith: runs 70% of the way

 

**kogayne:** i didn’t realize how far id gone

 

**tailor:** what are you waiting for, hop on

 

**kogayne:** just,,, on?

 

**tailor:** oh my god youre such a useless gay

 

**kogayne:** im not gay

 

**pidgeoto:** keith’s not useless

 

**tailor:** _ fine _ youre a super useful straight

 

**tailor:** even though your name literally has the word gay in it

 

**tailor:** just throw your leg over and hold on tight

 

**kogayne:** this feels weird

 

**tailor:** yeah well its a one-man bike so it will probably feel a little off

 

**tailor:** off we go

 

**tailor:** damn its really nice out tonight

 

**tailor:** kinda cold though

 

**kogayne:** nah its just right

 

**pidgeoto:** well im in a mcdonalds so i win

 

**tailor:** i bet it doesnt even have a.c. katie

 

**pidgeoto:** damn you you bisexual fuckwad

 

**kogayne:** what does that even mean

 

**pidgeoto:** that he’s bisexual and a fuckwad

 

**kogayne:** no i meant the bisexual part

 

**tailor:** i like girls

 

**kogayne:** ok

 

**tailor:** and dudes

 

**kogayne:** oh

 

**kogayne:** okay

 

**tailor:** are you okay with that?

 

**kogayne:** should i not be?

 

**tailor:** no. i mean yes you can be fine but it’s up to you i mean

 

**pidgeoto:** god you guys are just confusing each other on purpose aren’t you

 

**kogayne:** no?

 

**tailor:** not at all

 

**pidgeoto:** okay goodnight im going to bed

 

**kogayne:** in the mcdonalds?

 

**pidgeoto:** in the fucking mcdonalds

 

**pidgeoto:** wake me up when you get here

 

**tailor:** but which mcdonalds are you at

 

**pidgeoto:** idk it’s mcdonalds figure it out

 

**tailor:** great. Super helpful.

 

**kogayne:** god theres a lot of stars out tonight

 

**tailor:** yeah i think there was a power surge downtown so a lot of the lights are out

 

**tailor:** its really pretty

 

**kogayne:** yeah it is

 

**kogayne:** todays been a long day

 

**tailor:** but its been a good one

 

**kogayne:** definitely

 

**tailor:** oh look were here

 

**kogayne:** is it the right one

 

**tailor:** i guess were gonna find out

* * *

 

 

**kogayne:** okay this is the twenty-fifth mcdonalds if shes not in here were just gonna have to let her die

 

**tailor:** just like,, natural selection.

 

**kogayne:** or something

 

**kogayne:** we’ll figure it out

 

**tailor:** that’s a big playground holy shit

 

**kogayne:** lance are you for real

 

**kogayne:** youre not even going to fit up those stairs

 

**kogayne:** lance the lady at the front is giving us weird looks

 

**kogayne:** _ lance _

 

**tailor:** i think im stuck

 

**kogayne:** are you serious

 

**tailor:** no im lance and im very stuck

 

**kogayne:** youre an absolute dumbass

 

**tailor:** oh my god i think there’s someone else in here

 

**kogayne:** sure

 

**tailor:** im serious i can hear someone breathing

 

**kogayne:** are you sure it isn’t your own breathing

 

**tailor:** yes oh my fuck im going to die arent i

 

**kogayne:** youre not going to die

 

**tailor:** where’s pidge when you need her

 

**kogayne:** maybe it  _ is _ pidge in there with you

 

**tailor:** you really think there’s something in here with me?!

 

**kogayne:** no but you just said

 

**kogayne:** nevermind

 

**tailor:** the breathing’s getting louder

 

**kogayne:** alright fuck it im going up

 

**tailor:** but youll die

 

**kogayne:** -_- see this? This is me not giving two shits.

 

**tailor:**  hey keith?

 

**kogayne:** what

 

**tailor:**  ah, nevermind

 

**kogayne:** ok

 

**kogayne:** alright i think i see you

 

**kogayne:** wait

 

**tailor:** what is it?!

 

**kogayne:** there’s a girl sleeping here. just,, chilling in the middle of the playground.

 

**kogayne:** im gonna wake her up

 

**tailor:** wait keith no

 

**kogayne:** keith yes

 

**kogayne:** she says her name is acxa.

 

**tailor:** that’s a weird name

 

**kogayne:** i think it’s kinda cool

 

**tailor:** now can you come and un-sick me please?

 

**kogayne:** yeah gimmie a sec

 

**kogayne:** dude?

 

**kogayne:** lance? Are you okay?

 

**tailor:** if she’s awake why hasn’t the heavy breathing stopped?

 

**kogayne:** where are you?

 

**kogayne:** acxa’s gonna help me get you out

 

**tailor:** but i already came out like four years ago?

 

**kogayne:** har har. But for real where are you?

 

**tailor:** by the top of the red slide

 

**kogayne:** this is weird

 

**tailor:** ???

 

**kogayne:** i just noticed this but acxa has a knife in her pocket

 

**tailor:** what?!

 

**kogayne:** it’s the same kind of knife i have. The one my mom gave to me when i was a baby.

 

**Tailor:** your mom gave you a knife when you were a baby?! What the hell dude?!

 

**kogayne:** this isn’t real.

 

**kogayne:** nope, not real, just a dream. A really, really weird dream.

 

**tailor:** _ what _ is going on?

 

**kogayne:** i asked her about the knife. She said her mom gives one to all of her kids.

 

**kogayne:** so uh, i guess i have a sister?

 

**tailor:** that’s really nice but i would like to be unstuck please

 

**tailor:** and find out what that heavy breathing is coming from

 

**kogayne:** what  _ is _ that noise?

 

**tailor:** you hear it, too?

 

**kogayne:** fuck yeah i hear it it’s loud as shit

 

**kogayne:** what is it

 

**tailor:** idk but please unstick me

 

**kogayne:** how the fuck did you end up with your head in between your legs

 

**tailor:** im secretly a contortionist?

 

**tailor:** idk dude just help.

 

**tailor:** why is your sister laughing at me

 

**tailor:** this is bullying. Homophobia.

 

**kogayne:** don’t you mean bi-phobia?

 

**tailor:** yes hello my name is mimi and im terrified of anything two

 

**tailor:** you know, because the latin root for two is bi

 

**kogayne:** yeah no i figured

 

**kogayne:** anyways youre officially unstuck

 

**tailor:** i love our ability to function like normal people while spamming the old group chat

 

**tailor:** now help me find out what that noise is

 

**kogayne:** fine ill check over here

 

**tailor:** where’s here?

 

**kogayne:** here?

 

**tailor:** omg i think i found the source.

 

**kogayne:** is that,,,pidge?

 

**kogayne:** i was  _ right _

 

**tailor:** hello, mcdonalds delivery service? Bring me fries.

 

**kogayne:** who are you even talking to

 

**tailor:** your sister just went to get me fries lmfao idk who this chick is but i dig it

 

**kogayne:** you are not going to flirt with my  _ sister _ who i  _ just  _ met

 

**kogayne:** anyways since i helped you you have to wake the gremlin

 

**tailor:** wait n o

 

**kogayne** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**tailor:** make your new sister do it

 

**kogayne:** no she’s getting you fries

 

**tailor:** i hate you

 

**kogayne:** uh-huh. Love you too

 

**kogayne:** oh my god did i just

 

**kogayne:** pretend that didn’t happen

 

**tailor:** wait

 

**tailor:** do you like actually like me?

 

**tailor:** like “like” like me?

 

**kogayne:** well since ive already fucked myself over i might as well come out with it

 

**kogayne:** i like you

 

 **tailor:** like as a friend?

 

 **kogayne:** no lance not like a friend

 

 **tailor:** so like as an enemy?

 

 **tailor:** did you just

 

 **tailor:** why is your sister laughing at me again

 

 **tailor:** did you just kiss me

 

 **kogayne:** just...yeah

 

 **tailor:** wait why are you turning away you didn't even let me kiss back

 

**pidgeoto:** what the  _ fuck _ guys

 

**pidgeoto:** where are  _ my _ fries?

 

**tailor:** i'll share?

 

**pidgeoto** : you'd fuckin better

 

**pidgeoto:** so

 

**pidgeoto:** what'd i miss?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are the fuel to my fire. Please, I really like fire.


	7. Shiro Stop Throwing Your Arm (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> takashit: nice...so im gonna go make sure i didn’t kill the blonde chick
> 
>  
> 
> takashit: cause i kinda,, threw a metal prothstetic at her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i know these chapters are i mess IM WORKING ON IT i swear

**takashi:** so...you’re telling me that

 

 **takashi:** no wait what are you telling me

 

 **Loser:** Ezor and your friend have their engineering class at the same time after school. There was a fire alarm because some simpleton really fucked up and everyone was evacuated. Eventually, they were allowed back in to grab their stuff and go home. However, Ezor and your friend’s bags are alike in size, brand, and pins, so it appears that they mistook the other’s bag as their own.

 

 **takashit:** and why exactly did they need to break into someone’s house when they aren’t home?!

 

 **Ally:** I mean. shiro, you’re talking to the person who broke into your dorm just so they could get _hair routines_. do you even need to ask what they were doing here, bitch?

 

 **takashit:** okay fair point

 

 **Loser:** Anyways. Ezor found that the bag belonged to someone named “Pidge.” She tried to find this person herself, but couldn't. So she did the unthinkable.

 

 **takashit:** broke into someone’s house???

 

 **Ally:** murdered an entire alien race?

 

 **Loser:** Spoke with _Narti_. Anyways, that...pleb helped Ezor find “Pidge’s” true identity. Which, since she’s Narti, she found out quickly. She gave Ezor the address and Ezor broke in to swap the backpacks.

 

 **Ally:** god your so fucking dramatic lotor

 

 **Loser:** It’s??? Literally not me doing anything???

 

 **Ally:** sure whatever floats your boats now what do you want us to do with this strange blonde human

 

 **Loser:** Why would I care?

 

 **takashit:** because she’s part of your group, duh

 

 **Loser:** ...text me the address and I’ll come pick her up.

 

 **Ally:** ew gross you with feelings is weird

 

 **Loser:** fuck you allison

 

 **Ally:** thy name’s allura bitch

 

 **takashit:** so,,i take it u 2 know each other?

 

 **Ally:** were related

 

 **Loser:** We’re cousins. My mother was her father’s sister.

 

 **takashit:** nice...so im gonna go make sure i didn’t kill the blonde chick

 

 **takashit:** cause i kinda,, threw a metal prothstetic at her

 

 **Loser:** YOU DID WHAT?!?!

 

 **takashit:** i thought she was a potential enemy intruder!

 

 **Ally:** God this is like last time with Shay but even weirder

 

 **takashit:** ???

 

 **Ally:** shit that went down like two hours ago damn let a girl breathe

 

 **takashit:** Lotor why am I getting messages from your silent growly one???

 

 **Loser:** Fuck if I know. Acxa does what she damn well pleases.

 

 **takashit:** are you close to the address?

 

 **Loser:** Almost there.

 

 **Loser:** Shit.

 

 **takashit:** ??? lotor??? weasel face??? Legolas with more ass than leg?? U ok pal?

 

 **Ally:** I fucking choked.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Loser:** So...I _may_ have been in a teensy-weensy little car accident.

 

 **Ally:** did you finally die?

 

 **Loser:** Broke my arm but, I lived, bitch.

 

 **Ally:** for shame

 

 **Loser:** :((( Why must you hate me??

 

 **Ally:** You killed Shiro.

 

 **takashit:** but??? I’m alive????

 

 **Ally:** shuddup he killed shiro i hate him

 

 **takashit:** ….okay.

 

 **takashit:** anyways lotor the girls kinda waking up but im pretty sure she has a concussion. Sorry.

 

 **Loser:** I’ll be there...eventually. I’m afraid it might take a little bit of time since they’re not letting me drive.

 

 **takashit:** christ how long are they going to keep you?

 

 **Loser:** The medic says forever, but Craig says a couple of hours.

 

 **Loser:** Craig also says i should join his club.

 

 **Loser:** I’m pretty sure it’s a cult.

 

 **Ally:** who the fuck is craig

 

 **Loser:** The ambulance driver, damn Allura. Who else?

 

 **Loser:** He says he’ll teach me things.

 

 **takashit:** just say no lotor

 

 **Ally:** takashi we need an adult

 

 **takashit:** ...allura we are the adults

 

 **Ally:** yeah well we nead a real adult. An adultier adult. someone whos better at adultery

 

 **takashit:** allura that doesn’t mean what you think it does

 

 **Ally:** did i fucking stutter

 

 **takashit:** a little bit yeah

 

 **Ally:** lotor why couldn’t you have crashed into matts house and killed takashi?

 

 **Loser:** Can’t talk I’m getting stitches in my face.

 

 **Ally:** yo usaid you jsut broke your arm though? Why would you need stitches in your face?

 

 **takashit:** damn the broody assassin wont leave me alone god

 

 **@takashit** has added **@lesbiacxa** to **Bitches Gonna Bitch**

 

 **Ally:** 2/10 uncreative and unnecessary naming skills

 

 **lesbiacxa:** hay so fuck you

 

 **Ally:** im straight

 

 **lesbiacxa:** sounds fake

 

 **Ally:** that’s fair tbh

 

 **lesbiacxa:** anyways lotor are you finally dead?

 

 **Loser:** If only.

 

 **lesbiacxa:** shitface said something about you needing a ride?

 

 **Lotor:** I’m the one who’s “shitface,” seeing as this shit is going to scar.

 

 **Lotor:** I’m going to be ugly now.

 

 **Lotor:** Acxa kill me, please.

 

 **Lotor:** I can’t be ugly.

 

 **lesbiacxa:** you already are get over yourself

 

 **lesbiacxa:** but what happened to you face?

 

 **lesbiacxa:** did curt finally beat your face in

 

 **Loser:** No, my assistant did not beat my face in.

 

 **lesbiacxa:** did kova finally kill you

 

 **lesbiacxa:** do i need to cut your dads dick off

 

 **Loser:** No.

 

 **lesbiacxa:** because if need be i will destroy them

 

 **Ally:** tbh same

 

 **lesbiacxa:** i knew you weren’t straight

 

 **Ally:** what does me wanting to cut zarkons dick off have anything to do with my sexuality?

 

 **lesbiacxa:** no straight person would ever love lotor

 

 **Ally:** I hate Lotor.

 

 **lesbiacxa:** but you want to cut his enemy’s dick off

 

 **Ally:** I hate zarkon more than i hate lotor

 

 **lesbiacxa:** okay fair but youre still not straight

 

 **takashit:** guys the concussed blondes awake and she...is now wrestling rover

 

 **Loser:** Rover?

 

 **takashit:** matthew mcscience holt’s dog

 

 **Loser:** Oh.

 

 **takashit:** are you okay

 

 **Loser:** I can’t feel my face.

 

 **Loser:** Oh my god, I think I’m high.

 

 **takashit:** when would you even smoke weed i thought you were in the hospital

 

 **Loser:** I’m niot sure, butj i tihnk im on a lot of pain meds right noe.

 

 **lesbiacxa:** which hospital are you at lotor?

 

 **Loser:** I’m not sure.

 

 **Loser:** Hey, did you know Craig actualy is Coran.

 

 **Loser:** like uncle Cioran Allyra. You like him, right?

 

 **Ally:** uh yeah but he’s not an oh my god

 

 **takashit:** coran? Isn’t he your weird uncle who works as an oh shit wait

 

 **lesbiacxa:** what? Im lost

 

 **takashit:** coran works as a traveling stripper

 

 **lesbiacxa:** wait the weird mustache dude on third

 

 **lesbiacxa:** i thought his name was craig

 

 **Loser:** that;s what i said

 

 **takashit:** lotor i don’t think your in an ambulance

 

 **Loser:** Well where else would i be?

 

 **Ally:** in my uncles van

 

 **Loser:** my dad has a van?

 

 **Ally:** no the other uncle

 

 **Loser:** The cheeto one?

 

 **Ally:** yeah that one

 

 **Loser:** Wait but then why is craig here?

 

 **Ally:** craig is coran

 

 **Loser:** I’m Craig?

 

 **Loser:** what rare you even saying?

 

 **Ally:** how high are you

 

 **Loser:** 5’4”

 

 **Ally:** youre six foot two?

 

**Loser:**

 

 **Loser:** fair pooint.

 

 **lesbiacxa:** lotor where are u do i need to fight someone

 

 **lesbiacxa:** ill kill them

 

 **Loser:** I'm finnne i laready told you iI'm in the van with coran

 

 **Loser:** hay that rhymed.

 

 **lesbiacxa:** tell coran to take you to the hospital

 

 **Loser:** He said "okay".

 

 **lesbiacxa:** good ill see u there

 

 **Loser:** WaAit which hospical?

 

 **lesbiacxa:** maddison general

 

 **Loser:** okay

 

 **Loser:** wait why are you in the hospital

 

 **Loser:** are you sick

 

 **lesbiacxa:** ...ill see you there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please Love Me And This Mess.


	8. Shiro Stop Throwing Your Arm (Part Three)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lesbiacxa: lotor shut up your drunk
> 
> Loser: ur moms drunk
> 
> lesbiacxa: probably yeah
> 
> Loser: krolias a baddass
> 
> lesbiacxa: also probable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys you probably thought this fic was dead but whoops my hand slipped and i have more Things to write for this fic maybe here's a somewhat short chapter

**lesbiacxa:** why is this my life

 

**Ally:** ?

 

**lesbiacxa:** i got lotor but he’s as high as an eroused penise

 

**Ally:** a WHAT

 

**lesbiacxa:** youre right im so sorry i mean an eroused ***penis

 

**Ally:** why are you... _ why _ ?

 

**lesbiacxa:** _ because _

 

**lesbiacxa:** so text me ur friends address so i can pick up the slut

 

**Ally:** You call your friend a slut?

 

**lesbiacxa:** i mean she prefers the term “whore” but yeah

 

**Ally:** okay then

 

**lesbiacxa:** anyways

 

**@lesbiacxa** has muted **@takashit** from **Bitches Gonna Bitch**

 

**Ally:** ?

 

**lesbiacxa:** youre dating shiro right

 

**Ally:** yes?

 

**lesbiacxa:** i think we need to have a talk :)

 

**Ally:** why

 

**lesbiacxa:** thats personal

 

**lesbiacxa:** and ill be asking the questions here

 

**lesbiacxa:** do you know what’s gonna happen if you ever hurt shiro?

 

**Ally:** he’d cry and i’d cry and i’d never do it again?

 

**lesbiacxa:** id rip you apart limb from limb and then id shove your corpse in a blender :))

 

**Ally:** okay thats fair

 

**Ally:** but why are you so close? With shiro?

 

**lesbiacxa:** damn cant a girl have secrets?

 

**Loser:** they used to be ~~~~freidns~~~wev

 

**lesbiacxa:** lotor shut up your drunk

 

**Loser:** ur moms drunk

 

**lesbiacxa:** probably yeah

 

**Loser:** krolias a baddass

 

**lesbiacxa:** also probable

 

**Ally:** so can i add shiro back to the chat/unmute him

 

**@Loser** has unmuted **@takashit** from **Bitches Gonna Bitch**

 

**Loser:** hiiiiiiiiiiii shiro

 

**Loser:** your hairs so preityy how do you do ti

 

**Loser:** what are youjr secerset///

 

**Loser:** ooposps i meant??? not ///

 

**takashit:** i take it back i wanna be muted again

 

**Loser:** meeeeeeeeeeean whyre youg uys always so mean to ne

 

**takashit:** nope nope nope imma go arm wrestle the concussed blonde again

 

**Ally:** Not if i get there first

 

**takashit:** well played allura well played

 

**lesbiacxa:** were here im getting out

 

**Loser:** me too

 

**takashit:** lotor stay there

 

**Loser:** nooooo i dont wannna

 

**takashit:** shit lotor why are you crying

 

**Ally:** you made him cry?!

 

**Ally:** come inside lotor its okay

 

**Loser:** :D

 

**Loser:** i like allura

 

**lesbiacxa:** she’s your cousin

 

**Loser:** i knoww,,,,shes agreat cousim

 

**lesbiacxa:** okay everyone in the car

 

**lesbiacxa:** lets go common ezor

 

**takashit:** growly one she isn’t in the chat

 

**lesbiacxa:** that means what

 

**takashit:** you have to use your voice to communicate to her

 

**lesbiacxa:** fuck you

 

**Ally:** I didn’t know you knew ASL acxa

 

**lesbiacxa:** lets keep it that way :))

 

**Ally:**

 

**Ally:** Shiro im going to be murdered

 

**takashit:** like you murdered me?

 

**Ally:** hey fuck you thats a low blow

 

**Loser:** hiiiiii ezor

 

**takashit:** ezor isnt in the chat guys

 

**@Loser** has added **@Ezwhore** to the **Bitches Gonna Bitch**

 

**Ezwhore:** u were sayyin?

 

**Ezwhore:** no seriously guys i couldn’t hear half of what you were saying i think i hit my head too hard

 

**lesbiacxa:** hospital?

 

**Ezwhore:** Nap.

 

**lesbiaxca:** okay get in the car

 

**lesbiacxa:** lotor get in the fucking car

 

**Loser:** i don’t  wannna

 

**Loser:** want to stay with lura

 

**Loser:** shes my favuoriet cousin

 

**lesbiacxa:** please get in the car so i can sleep

 

**Ally:** fuck it, you guys can just stay over. It’d be less stress, right?

 

**lesbiacxa:** fucking… fine

 

**lesbiacxa:** its so cold in here thoug

 

**Ally:** its because I broke the door

 

**lesbiacxa:** u got blankets

 

**Ally:** upstairs somewhere probablay

 

**lesbiacxa:** k will you watch Ezor

 

**Ally:** sure

 

**lesbiacxa:** k found one i’m going down

 

**lesbiacxa:** hnnNNNGGGGGGGGGHH

 

**takashit:** fuck

 

**takashit:** i thought they all left fcuk

 

**takashit:** i thought there was an intruder

 

**Ally:** fuckin,,, again?

 

**lesbiacxa:** fiuuuuuuUUUUUCK i fell down the dtairs

 

**Ezwhore:** i gotchu

 

**lesbiacxa:** marry me

 

**Ezwhore:** later. Hey aaaaaaaaacxa

 

**lesbiacxa:** yee?

 

**Ezwhore:** do you think narti likes me

 

**lesbiacxa:** you made out with her yesterdtay so maybaps

 

**Ezwhore:** she hawt   
  


**lesbiacxa:** u hawy to

 

**lesbiacxa:** you can put me down now

 

**takashit:** my god they’re all concussed

 

**Ally:** Lotor’s braiding my hair and crying about zethrid’s ears

 

**Ally:** its equally concerning and endearing

 

**Loser:** they’re so laaaaaaaaaaaaarge

 

**lesbiacxa:** they r thooo

  
**Ally:** I love your bunny blanket acxa

 

**takashit:** she took the fucking bunny blanket?!

 

**Ally:** yes.

 

**takashit:** I hate you

 

**Loser:** heyy acxa 

 

**Loser:** why do you have three arms

 

**lesbiacxa:** its a prothstetic

 

**Ally:** shiro did you fucking throw your arm again

 

**Ally:** shiro we can’t keep doing this

 

**takashit:** I don’t think all of us are going to survive the night

 

**takashit:** we need backup

 

**Loser:** heyy lura is this ur house

 

**Ally:** not it’s Matts

 

**Loser:** whosse matts

 

**Ally:** my boyfriend

 

**Loser:** you have a BOYFRIENDDDDDDDS?!

 

**Ally:** i have two

 

**Loser:** hoW Do YOU HAVE TWO i can’t even

 

**Ally:** lotor why are you crying

 

**Loser:** i dooooont knoow

 

**Ally:** lets go to bed then okay?

 

**takashit:** please

 

**Ezwhore:** i dont wanna

 

**Ally:** youre concussed you have to

 

**Ezwhore:** I don’t know what that means

 

**Ally:** go to bed

 

**Ezwhore:** k

 

**Loser:** im ccold

 

**lesbiaxa:** here Lotor u can share my bunny blanket

 

**takashit:** bed

 

**Loser:** okay  _ dad _

 

**takashit:** and acxa

 

**takashit:** give me back my arm

 

**lesbiacxa:** no its mine now

 

**lesbiacxa:** you threw it away so its mine now

 

**takashit:** fuck you

 

**Ally:** I’m confiscating the phones and turning off the lights. It’s bed time you guys.

 

**Loser:** allurar i love you but it will fight you

 

**Ally:** lotor you cant even stand up straight go to bed

 

**Loser:** fine but tommor youll be screwed

  
**Ally:** good  _ night _ lotor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please love me this fic is a plague upon my soul


	9. The Car Done Broke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunk: why are you getting out of the car
> 
> Hunk: Matthew Elizabeth Luifer stop it right now
> 
> Hunk: back away from the house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit that was quick i didn't think i'd be able to finish a tenth of a chapter today let alone two but here we are

**@Hunk** has added **@dormatt** to **What Is Wrong With The Car**

 

**Hunk:** i woke up and i was still in the car and we were still on the road by the shady house what’s happening

 

**dormatt:** I honestly dont know it just wont start

 

**Hunk:** can you like call your parents or something?

 

**dormatt:** they’re on a cruise

 

**Hunk:** well fuck

 

**Hunk:** what are we gonna do?

 

**dormatt:** I don’t know

 

**dormatt:** i tried calling shiro and allura but they died i guess? And katie and lance took the bikes to mcdonalds

 

**Hunk:** well frick

 

**dormatt:** do you know anyone you can ask to get us a ride?

 

**Hunk:** no

 

**Hunk:** wait maybe

 

**Hunk:** I have a grilfriend but she can’t drive but her brother can

 

**Hunk:** let me add them

 

**@Hunk** has added **@nonuts** and **@Yash** to **What Is Wrong With The Car**

 

**Yash:** hi hunk!

 

**Hunk:** no nuts? Really? Also hi shay i love you

 

**no nuts:** because i’m allergic to nuts

 

**Yash:** love you too bro

 

**no nuts:** so why are you messaging us at ass-crack in the morning/night

 

**Hunk:** our car broke down forever ago and we have no one else to call

 

**no nuts:** ugh. I have a concussion from Shays friend but sure. Just tell me where you are

 

**dormatt:** a concussion? and we’re near the haunted house down by Altherstein. Like literally right next to it

 

**no nuts:** cool. So it’ll take at least an hour and a half to get there

 

**dormatt:** alright then

 

**Hunk:** why are you getting out of the car

 

**Hunk:** Matthew Elizabeth Luifer stop it right now

 

**Hunk:** back away from the house

 

**no nuts:** you’re going through the haunted house?

 

**no nuts:** that takes nuts. Which i dont have

 

**no nuts:** because i’m allergic

 

**Hunk:** yeah no matthew stop

 

**Hunk:** you BETTER STOP!

 

**Yash:** have fun hunting ghosts im going to bed in the car

 

**Hunk:** alright goodnight i love you and MATTHEW NO

 

**Hunk:** he went in

 

**no nuts:** good for him

 

**Hunk:** I don’t like you very much right now

 

**no nuts:** yeah i think shay forgot to tell you i’m an asshole

 

**no nuts:** anyways i’m on my way but are you going to follow him?

 

**Hunk:** I’d better. From what I know, Matt’s kind of an agent of chaos and attracter of danger

 

**no nuts:** well have fun

 

**Hunk:** yay -_-

 

**dormatt:** I’m in the kitchen btw

 

**Hunk:** what are you doing in the kitchen?

 

**dormatt:** I found McDonald’s bags with food in it

 

**Hunk:** do… do you even know what that means

 

**dormatt:** that we have mcdonalds?

 

**Hunk:** that someone else was or IS here

 

**dormatt:** cool its a party

 

**Hunk:** NO. NOT COOL. VERY NOT COOL.

 

**dormatt:** come on hunk live a little

 

**dormatt:** lets go find some friends and eat these burgers

 

**Hunk:** Did you hear that?!

 

**dormatt:** yeah its probably a friend

 

**Hunk:** That WAS A SCREAM OF TERROR MATTHEW

 

**dormatt:** maybe they’re scared of the dark man idk what to tell you

 

**Hunk:** WE NEED TO GO

 

**dormatt:** I’m not done eating my cheezburger

 

**dormatt:** I’m going upstairs

 

**Hunk:** oh my god why

 

**dormatt:** oh hey there’s red paint on the wall

 

**Hunk:** We call that blood damnit! We need to get out of here

 

**dormatt:** take a chill pill hunkster

 

**Hunk:** no

 

**dormatt:** hey look there’s light under this door

 

**Hunk:** Matthew don’t go in

 

**dormatt:** i went in

 

**dormatt:** come here dude you’re not gonna believe this

 

**dormatt:** this is my life now man

 

**Hunk:** holy shit

 

**Hunk:** is that… your parents?

 

**dormatt:** maybe?

 

**Hunk:** I thought they were on a cruise?

 

**dormatt:** so did I

 

**Hunk:** alright then

 

**dormatt:** so were just gonna leave and never speak of this again

 

**Hunk:** what if they’ve been kidnapped

 

**dormatt:** I doubt it

 

**dormatt:** anyways lets go to the car

 

**no nuts:** we’re here

 

**Hunk:** So are Mat’s parents

 

**dormatt:** shut up you said you wouldn’t tell

 

**Hunk:** I said no such thing

 

**dormatt:** the utter disbelief

 

**dormatt:** the absolute betrayl

 

**no nuts:** so do you need a ride? Because i just drove for like two hours

 

**Hunk:** please take me home my moms are gonna be worried

 

**Hunk:** I said I’d be home by like ten

 

**no nuts:** good news is, it’s almost ten

 

**Hunk:** IN THE MORNING!!!

 

**no nuts:** yeah anyways get in the car

 

**dormatt:** don’t mind if I do

 

**no nuts:** hey is that mcdonalds

 

**dormatt:** yee

 

**no nuts:** where’d you get it

 

**dormatt:** kitchen in the house

 

**no nuts:** the haunted one?

 

**dormatt:** yee

 

**no nuts:** gimmie some

 

**dormatt:** k

 

**Hunk:** I’m going to bed

 

**no nuts:** you can share the blanket with shay. She’s in the back. just no funny business

 

 **Hunk:** right. i'll ignore that. nap time

 

**dormatt:** so.

 

**dormatt:** i just realized i have no idea who you are

 

**no nuts:** idk i’m shay’s sister

 

**no nuts:** wait i meant brother

 

**no nuts:** when you misgender yourself

 

**dormatt:** nice okay but i have no idea who shay is

 

**no nuts:** hunks girlfriend

 

**dormatt:** truth is i don’t actually know who hunk is either

 

**dormatt:** ive just accepted the fact that ill never know what’s going on and who everyone is

 

**no nuts:** alright. I can understand that

 

**no nuts:** well my name’s rax

 

**no nuts:** i’m allergic to nuts

 

**no nuts:** i’m also really good at texting while driving

 

**dormatt:** i see

 

**dormatt:** my name is matt

 

**dormatt:** i’m like a doormat

 

**no nuts:** because you both have “mat” in it

 

**dormatt:** no because people walk all over me

 

**no nuts:** alright. So where’s your house?

 

**dormatt:** god it’s at sinep street

 

**no nuts:** that’s not a real street

 

**no nuts:** that’s just penis backwards

 

**dormatt:** that’s what IVE BEEN SAYING!

 

**dormatt:** but it is my real street

 

**dormatt:** please take me home

 

**no nuts:** alright

 

**dormatt:** imma take a nap. Please wake me up when we get there

 

**no nuts:** k

 

**no nuts:** were there

 

**dormatt:** alright

 

**no nuts:** are you sure this is your house?

 

**no nuts:** there’s no door

 

**dormatt:** great.

 

**dormatt:** wanna sleep at our house?

 

**no nuts:** you know what? Fuck it

 

**no nuts:** hunk wake up its time to sleep

 

**Hunk:** those statements contradict eachother

 

**Hunk:** what happened to the door

 

**dormatt:** well figure it out tomorrow

 

 **dormatt:** wait

  
**dormatt:** who the  _ fuck _ is in my house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk i like comments you guys


	10. The Bitches, The Hoes, The Beasts (and Lotor's white ass)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lesbien: so my name’s Acxa ;)
> 
> takashi: what’s your last name?
> 
> lesbien: did you not see the winky face at the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day. I wrote two whole chapters in one tiny day. Woah.

**axzure:** im a lesbien

 

 **Ezor:** oh my god,, r u a psychic cuz i was just thinking that

 

 **axzure:** nah that’s narti’s job

  
**Ezor:** yeah but shes a terrible palmreader

 

 **Legolas:** We do not mention that pleb.

 

 **Ezor:** ok sure but you and i both know it was totally an accident

 

 **Legolas:** She _stabbed_ me in my literal back.

 

 **Ezor:** with a pencil get over yourself

 

 **Legolas:** That shit _hurting_.

 

 **Zethanphetamine:** guys

 

 **Zethanphetamine:** calmeth the fucketh downeth

 

 **axzure:** you do realize that adding -th doesn’t make you sound fancy right

 

 **Zethanphetamine:** fucking fight me babe idc how pretty you are ill _fucketh you upeth_

 

 **Legolas:** Why? Why is this my life?

 

 **Ezor:** speaking of narti where is that bitch like y she no in group chat?

 

 **Legolas:** Because she sucks dick.

 

 **axzure:** no more than you do, princess

 

 **Zethanphetamine:** ezzy...she’s blind

 

 **Ezor:** oh

 

 **Ezor:** right

 

 **Ezor:** i know that

 

 **Legolas:** I hate Narti.

 

 **axzure:** yeah sure you do and i hate my little brother

 

 **Ezor:** your what

 

 **Ezor:** wait y do u hate ur lil bro

 

 **axzure:** i dont i was proving a point

 

 **axzure:** forget it forget i said shit

 

 **Legolas:** You have a brother that I haven’t even met?????

 

 **axzure:** yeah well in my defense i met him like last week

 

 **Legolas:** ???????

 

 **axzure:** mom fucked a guy and had a kid but had to go back to her home so they split up and then she met my dad and fucked him and had a kid and then he died and then we moved here but the kid also moved here when _his_ dad died and apparently the kid’s name is keith and i met him at mcd’s last week when Shit Went Down In A Playground so yea i have a little brother

 

 **Legolas:** Do you have his contacts?

 

 **axzure:** no he doesn’t use contacts his eyes are fine

 

 **axzure:** i think

 

 **axzure:** why would i have his contacts lotor you’re so fucking weird

 

 **Legolas:** *his phone information

 

 **axzure:** oh

 

 **axzure:** yes i have that

 

 **axzure:** but why ask?

 

 **Legolas:** Add him.

 

 **axzure:** no wait that’s a horrible idea

 

 **Legolas:** _add him_

 

 **axzure:** no that’s like the worst idea you’ve ever had

 

 **axzure:** even worse than when we broke into shirogone’s apartment so we could find his skin care routine

 

 **Legolas:** That was a brilliant idea now **_add him._ **

 

 **axzure:** god fine but when this ends badly im blaming you and adding narti to the chat

 

 **Legolas:** Don’t you _dare._

 

 **@axzure** has added **@littleloser** to **The Bitches, The Hoes, The Beasts (and Lotor’s white ass)**

 

 **Legolas:** Welcome, young one.

 

 **Legolas:** It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Keith.

 

 **littleloser:** is this a cult

 

 **axzure:** no it isn’t a cult

 

 **littleloser:** are you certain because this feels an awful lot like a cult

 

 **axzure:** it’s not a cult

 

 **axzure:** the princess just talks like he’s an alien prince from fucking,, andromeda or something

 

 **axzure:** sorry for adding you to this mess my hand was forced

 

 **littleloser:** you’re...fine? But what is this, and who is everybody?

 

 **Ezor:** i’m a lesbien

 

 **littleloser:** nice

 

 **Ezor:** everyone else is also a lesbien

 

 **Legolas:** I am a male.

 

 **Ezor:** he’s just in denial

 

 **Legolas:** I do not understand you at all, woman.

 

 **Ezor:** is that y ur single lotor

 

 **Legolas:** No, I’m single because I have no interest in being in a relationship with anyone.

 

 **littleloser:** wait you’re lotor

 

 **littleloser:** like The Lotor?

 

 **Legolas:** Uh, idk, probably.

 

 **Legolas:** How many Lotors are there?

 

 **Zethanphetamine:** oh wait i forgoteth that were a meme now because of the thing at apt. 127 last april

 

 **littleloser:** that was _you_?!

 

 **littleloser:** acxa you never said you went to the garrison!

 

 **axzure:** i didn’t know it was important

 

 **axzure:** why is it, exactly?

 

 **littleloser:** because _i_ go to the garrison

 

 **Legolas:** Well then.

 

 **Ezor:** dudes weve prolly seen Keith like all the time in the halls and we never even realized

 

 **axzure:** i literally _just_ told you guys about him

 

 **Ezor:** quit ruining my jam bitch

 

 **axzure:** fucking fight me

 

 **Legolas:** Acxa, please stop trying to fight everyone.

 

 **axzure:** why tho

 

 **Legolas:** Because we’re all obligated to fight with you and disregard all common sense.

 

 **axzure:** fucking fine

 

 **Ezor:** anyways keith i have the intense desire to meet u what lunch do u have

 

 **littleloser:** c lunch i think

 

 **Ezor:** damnit

 

 **Ezor:** so im skipping calc tomorrow to meet u keef

 

 **littleloser:** wait don’t do that school is important

 

 **Zethanphetamine:** damn acxa you sure he’s realted to you?

 

 **axzure:** haha. funny. -_-

 

 **littleloser:** you guys added me to something does that mean that i can add you to something acxa?

 

 **axzure:** what kind of something

 

 **littleloser:** a chat so you can meet my brother

 

 **axzure:** mom had _another_ kid?

 

 **littleloser:** no my adopted brother

 

 **axzure:** sure but have you told him about me

 

 **littleloser:** a little bit, yeah. He wants to meet you

 

 **axzure:** fine go ahead

 

 **Legolas:** Well.

 

 **Zethanphetamine:** that ‘ought to be interesting

 

 **Ezor:** i wonder if keith’s brother goes to the garrison too?

 

 **Ezor:** nah probably not

 

* * *

 

 

 **@mcr** has added **@lesbien** and **@takashi** to **Meet Thy Brethren**

 

 **lesbien:** that name sounds like a christian soup party

 

 **mcr:** a...soup party

 

 **lesbien:** yes those are real things that real christians do

 

 **mcr:** and you would know this how?

 

 **lesbien:** yes

 

 **takashi:** Hell, Acxa. It’s nice to finally meet you.

 

 **lesbien:** oh shit waddup thy name’s acxa

 

 **mcr:** “hell, acxa” that’s how im saying hi to people forever now

 

 **takashi:** keith.

 

 **mcr:** hell, takashi

 

 **takashi:** why do i even try

 

 **lesbien:** i ask myself that very same question every day

 

 **takashi:** have you found an answer

 

 **lesbien:** im pretty sure there isn’t one

 

 **lesbien:** so my name’s Acxa ;)

 

 **takashi:** what’s your last name?

 

 **lesbien:** did you not see the winky face at the end

 

 **takashi:** alright. My name’s Takashi Shirogone.

 

 **lesbien:** wait.

 

 **lesbien:** did you just say

 

 **lesbien:** fuck

 

 **takashi:** what’s wrong?

 

 **lesbien:** my name’s acxa.

 

 **takashi:** yes?

 

 **lesbien:** im with lotor

 

 **takashi:** _you son of a biscuit-eater_

 

 **mcr:** wtf shiro????

 

 **lesbien:** you didn’t tell me your older brother was _Takashi Shirogone._

 

 **takashi:** i want my MtG cards back.

 

 **lesbien:** take that up with Ezor. i don’t have your nerd cards, _shito_

 

 **takashi:** i hate you

 

 **lesbien:** nice to know our feelings are mutual :)

 

 **mcr:** guys what the fuck

 

 **takashi:** keith, do you remember when lotor broke into my house and took all of my Magic: the gathering cards?

 

 **mcr:** you mean your nerd cards?

 

 **takashi:** the one who took them is your sister.

 

 **mcr:** pffft sure

 

 **takashi:** im fucking serious rightn ow

 

 **takashi:** i want those cards back

 

 **lesbien:** okay look it wasn’t for the cards we broke in to find your skin and hair routines

 

 **takashi:** routines?

 

 **lesbien:** _yes_ , because princess lotor is fucking vain as shit and as his friend im legally obligated to follow him through his shitty choices

 

 **takashi:** i see

 

 **takashi:** i still want those cards back

 

 **mcr:** what is even going on

 

 **takashi:** im threatening an old friend

 

 **lesbien:** yeah youre shit at threats

 

 **takashi:** trust me, im aware

 

 **lesbien:** i thought you were takashi?

 

 **takashi:** anyways acxa, its been awhile.

 

 **mcr:** you guys know each other?

 

 **lesbien:** in middle school we knew each other

 

 **takashi:** we were the fucking best dynamic duo ever

 

 **lesbien:** ikr?!

 

 **takashi:** and now i guess were like sort-of siblings

 

 **lesbien:** yep.

 

 **takashi:** _damn_ the world is wild

 

 **takashi** : and the weird thing is, we were talking to each other like yesterday?? a little bit?

 

 **lesbien:** tell me about it

 

 **takashi:** that’s what i was doing

 

 **lesbien:** you little shit

 

 **mcr:** i kissed lance last night

 

 **takashi:** oh thank fuck finally.

 

 **mcr:** ???

 

 **takashi:** nothing allura and matt just owe me an...exponential amount of money.

 

 **mcr:** did you really bet on me?

 

 **takashi:** i would never. I bet on klance

 

 **mcr:** jesus christ shiro.

 

 **lesbien:** who’s lance?

 

 **mcr:** pretty boy from last night.

 

 **lesbien:** i see

 

 **lesbien:** good choice 9/10 i approve

 

 **mcr:** only a nine?

 

 **lesbien:** god youre totally right 12/10 have fun be safe and good luck bro

 

 **mcr:** no one in my immediate family is straight

 

 **lesbien:** im a lesbien, moms bisexual, you’re definitely gay but what’s shiro?

 

 **takashi:** i am homosexual with a side of girls.

 

 **lesbien:** *gasps* mon dieu!

 

 **takashi:** oui oui croissant la pansexual

 

 **mcr:** you know i think i liked it better back when i didn’t know you -_-

 

 **lesbien:** do you mean: _yesterday_?

  
**mcr:** _yes_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please give me comments and kudos and hugs and money and candy please I am very broke.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!


End file.
